For The Love Of God 3 finale

He was worldly wise and handsome and he had swept me off my feet the moment we met,  now we where going on 3 years! We shared lots of seemingly small but mind blowing things, at least I did. Like the time I fell asleep next to him, to be awoken and staring down at both of us asleep. I was rising higher above our bodies when instantly it hit me, "oh, my God I am dead!" as soon as I thought those words I shot back into my body and sat straight up. I was so frightened, I awoke V immediately telling him everything in rapid succession.
 

He simply looked at me lovingly and said, 'just go with it' the next time it happens. Not understanding him he explained he was trained in transcendental meditation and many esoteric arts, and I guess I had simply left my body. Furthermore it was an extremely rare, with most people never getting to experiencing it. Next time, I decided I would ride the wave. We had a seemingly perfect relationship, never arguing and not even bickering. 

Things would not always perfect however, as I tried to get used to women everywhere coming on to him right in front of me.Working at Caesars Palace selling fine mens clothing and later art I found it quite exciting meeting people far out of my league, millionaires, billionaires, celebrities. It was at this time I made friends with a beautiful model named Bijou although I noticed she acted giddy around V, it didn't stir my confidence, I mean she was my friend right? Then she made a couple of comments to V like, "do you have a brother just like you?" & later just telling me straight out that she wanted to go out with him.
 

He was a real ladies man and usually a single guy, so when she told him how she had felt about him he questioned his own feelings.This was part of the tragedy and triumph of our relationship: he was extremely honest, painfully so. This was one of those painful times, he informed me of his possible desire to court a new conquest & I was taken off guard. That night, I went to work shattered, heart broken but entertained because I also made a new friend, a handsome millionaire gambler who was buying a full length cashmere coat with mink lining.
 

We made fast friends and he drove me back to my place in his gold 560 SL convertible. (Impressive to a 19 year old) When I got home I excused myself to Greg in the living room and snuck into bed, straddling a sleeping Vadim. Awaking him I said "you know, I understand life is short and I understand a beautiful woman is now tempting you & I want you to understand I appreciate your honesty in telling me and lastly: do what you need to do, but if you do it with her, you no longer do it with me, I respect myself too much to be sharing the man I love."
 

I cannot ever recall getting a word of advice from V, ever! It was not as if I didn't beg and plead for feedback, heck I was 19 and I had so many years of asking permission, that it was part of my mentality. But 'no,' he would say, 'he could not help me to resolve any of my problems he would not even try explaining that even offering suggestions would just offer more confusion telling me "You must to come to your own conclusions since those are the only ones you will follow." Living in Las Vegas together was fun and it was great to have a partner so independent and wise. It was empowering to have an cohort that was honest and who did not mind my male friends, since I have always been a bit of a tom-boy preferring male over females friends in my youth.
 

He even gave me what would became my favourite book, "What Dreams May Come." It is a tale of love that hold no bounds a story of a man who dies yet, cannot believe he is dead, so he hangs out in our earthly realm. He stays in this earthly realm doggedly pursuing his wife trying to contact her to tell her he is okay. They both loved each other very much but they do not share a belief in the after life. While Chris believes their is an after- life after death while his wife thinks all goes dark when you die. Eventually our hero moves on into the next realm, but he never forgets about her and he dreams one day they will be together again. In time Chris' wife dies in the book and he must go through many realms fraught with fetid odors of decay and flies so thick they try to fly in your mouth and nose just to find her.
 

He searches on for what feels an eternity throughout these fetid realms, finally finds he her and she is at a kitchen sink washing dishes in this realm.  S he washes the dish and it just gets dirty again., over and over again.  Chris goes up to his wife so excited to see her and he says "My darling!" and as he goes to wrap his arms around her she flings him off her and says "how dare you, who are you!? Get your hands off of me!" Chris shouts out "no, my sweet it is me, Chris your husband!" She looks at him angry and confused and says "My husband is dead, you are not him!"
 

Chris was warned  about this by his 'angels', she will not understand she is dead because she does not believe in the after life, to her this is reality. Because she does not believe, she is stuck here in this dark world she herself has indeed created. But Chris won't give up and he thanks her for a full three pages! It is the most beautiful part of this book by Richard Mathiesson as he thanks her for each beautiful blessed thing she has done for his life.  My son now had six kids to play with, As a mom I thought that would be fabulous, until Easter arrived and I privately gave my son an Easter basket. Their kids saw it and told my son that the Easter basket was of Satan and the Easter bunny was Satan too: so mama had some explaining to do.
 

Tommy was always a bright boy even at seven, he knew they did not know different and they most likely wanted some candy too. He would have been happy to share, but the kids didn't want his Satan candy! Now, I had never believed in marriage nor had any desire to partake in it, until Vadim asked me to marry him, later changing his mind. (no worries however, I was nonplussed.)He would propose again before we moved, so we where engaged to be married when we arrived in Seattle.
A slight awkwardness was constantly present in the atmosphere at about four weeks in.

 
The talk of Jehovah was ever present being it was their home, It was uncomfortable yes, but I wasn't disrespectful or anything, except to leave and go out a lot. I was a distance bicyclist and Vadim bought me a 1500 dollar Cannondale, the bike of my dreams (after I got hit by a car I did NOT ride 6 months until Vadim bought me this dream bike telling me I had to ride again, and it worked! Vadim would often talk to his friends in their native tongue and it never bothered me, I had no need to be distrustful I had no desire to pry to find out what they where saying, if only I did perhaps I would have had the heads up.

Soon I found a job in town and Vadim went to work for his friends. It made me sad although I never told him how I felt, it was hard to see him go from a show-man extraordinaire to selling appliances in a little run down store. We made big bucks before and now we lived with less glory. Soon came the day that shook my world harder than anything had a right too. We lived in the basement apt of the 

Jehovah's house, so I would hide down their and wait for Vadim to get off, this day was no different. 

He arrived home and I was madly in love with him feeling blessed in the glory of love! It was always a true joy, my heart beat fast as he approached, I 'm sure love beamed from my eyes, my play mate and was back home. And so it was this day, he came in and I walked on air to greet him at the door. "Hi, honey!" I said smiling brightly but he just he just walked away towards the small kitchen table saying: "You know Jade, I have something to tell you, I think you may want to sit down""Oh, my God, did someone die?" I said not realising someone had died.
 

"No one has died Jade, it is just that I have made a decision, I want to be a Jehovah's Witness." My eyes searched for the truth, most likely I scratched my head when I looked at him puzzled, head crooked I sputtered "you, you! You, want to become a Jehovah's Witness? You are kidding right?" he answered: "No, Jade I am very serious, I have been studying and I want to do this" My heart it snapped in two, I knew he was saying he was leaving me for God, Jehovah, whatever. "No, it doesn't make sense"

 
I said "let me look into your eyes" and their it was my friends, I kid you not a vacant look! "No, you can't be, what did they do, did they brain wash you? You the man of no religion, the man who does transcendental meditation and magic so real I think your a vampire sometimes, no!" I stopped I paused the tears began to well inside my heart a million worried thoughts highlighted by heart break infused by confusion.
 

Everything and every joy that I had known for the last three years was about to shift. I had no friends and no family here. The final test of his will, I asked: "You want to go door to door knocking and giving out Watch Tower?" "I long to do it" he responded, not looking up, I could see so much pain in his face, he hurt as bad as I did. Then it happened I started to cry, I wish I mightn't been able to stop it, but no, their is no stopping the flowing tears of a true heart ache. It was like I was having heart failure, suddenly I was grappling with the enormity f the situation the thought of my son first and foremost how would I do this?
 

Would I be homeless? It only just began and yet it all felt so very final. Something whispered in my ear "You know you can't fight this, he is leaving you for God." It's a funny thing that although I follow no God particular that I do show a great respect to those who do, I don't harass or contradict even if I find so much of it so disturbing. It was only first night, and their would be two more days of tremendous agonizing over a love lost and still living together. 

As he cried, I knew that his mind was made up, this grief was not worth solving.This grief over our love not as powerful as his new comfort in a God newly discovered to him. When he said through his tears "I love you so much Jade, I want to marry you, I want to have children many with you, but you would have to become a Jehovah's Witness' too."This is when my son unknowingly gave me great strength and much to my surprise and without hesitation I said "The day any God or religion tells me that I cannot celebrate the greatest day of my life, the day my son was born is a day that I have to walk away, Vadim I love my son, I can't do that" 

"I know" he said defeated in love, but victorious in a spirit, I guess. The next day I came home from work to find him at home, I had a long time to think about it at work and I decided a much needed letter read aloud was in order. It struck me as I handed out salmon specials that I would need to make him see me, see my heart and thank him just like Chris does in 'What Dreams May Come' I would thank him for all the joy he brought into my life, I would thank him because I loved him, he changed my life. I would thank him and maybe, if I was lucky he could see my heart through the blinders that often go hand in hand with religion.
 

I wrote this letter all night between serving tables and crying, tears stained the paper unwittingly for my heart had never ever been devastated like this before. (To know the pain of too much love.. K. Gibran~) I took a bus home and arriving back late to avoid the family I entered through the back. V sat at the kitchen table forlorn and gazing into a cup of tea. I pulled out my letter on the yellow legal pad and I opened it, I asked only that he would be silent while I read it to him. It went something like this:
 

"Vadim, I thank you for loving my son and making him your own, I thank you for telling me I was beautiful when I felt so very ugly inside, a pain you did not create but choose to heal. I thank you for giving me your care and thank you for staying up all night with Tommy in the bathroom hot water running for an hour as you patted his back giving him 'steamers' to help his bronchitis, thank you for putting garlic oil in his ears when he had ear aches and always trying to avoid drugs and chemicals because you loved him."
 

"Thank you for loving me." Oh, dear reader: rivers of tears were falling down my cheeks and my mind raced when I look up will he see me like Chris' wife did? Will he look up from that pile of dishes and notice they are not getting any cleaner like this?I looked up in time to see his face so solemn and sad, he just said "you are welcome' through the tears, no moment of recognition it all felt so very surreal. But, it would be the last day that The next day I had some plans in order with my lovely sister who would rescue me from an unusual mess. 

I came home late on the second night to find the entire Jehovah's Witness' troupe in my living room! (theirs, technically but our area downstairs) They had pamphlets and posters spread out everywhere, books too!I was so sad and exhausted at this point and seeing all these people and all their pamphlets really freaked me out. As I walked thru the door the husband guy approached me he handed me a picture of a lion and a child cuddling. He spoke saying: "Jade do you want peace on earth, do you want to play with the wild animals even embrace them? right here on earth?"
 

"you know that is never going to happen right? As long as we hunt and kill that will never be the case. You can't eat them and expect them to like you too" I proffered. He got right back on his horse and had a comeback for that, soon I learned what must do. Since I was in their house and they could tell me anything they wanted: but as long as I rejected it they would stay to try convince me. By 3 a.m. I had shut up hours ago, I had no choice. The next day I was finally moving out,. It had been three days and each one was more painful then the one before. I was going to stay with a waitress from my restaurant for a little while and thank God for her cause I had no one in Seattle!
 

As a the final coup de grace was when Vadim told me that the Jehovah's where going to be keeping my bunk bed, my 1500 dollar bike and Tommy and I's  food stamps. Finally some anger reared it's head, I said: "If you do I will call the elders of your friends church and I will tell them that their head elders have been letting us live in sin under their roof and then we will see whats up! "I got my stuff back, but my heart that took me 5 years to heal until the real, right one came along.